The Unfortunate List I had to Make Due to Dating Ridiculous Wastes of Time

The “Yes, I know I’m ridiculous” list of requirements for dating me

This is my short list.

1. You need to understand that my children will always come first. I will never choose a partner over my children.
2. You must text me at least once during every 24 hour period while we are dating unless there is a really good reason. Otherwise I will think you hate me and no longer want to date me. If you genuinely like me, you will think about me at least once in any given 24 hour period and want to talk to me, or at least check in with me.
3. You either have to have some understanding of autism, or want to learn about it. If you ask, and I start explaining, I expect you to actually want to listen and try to understand. Some things aren’t short stories or short explanations. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a one sentence summary that even begins to explain autism.
4. You must be a decent human being. Always. It’s very simple: don’t be a dick. You must have it in you to be polite to bartenders, waitstaff, and cashiers. I won’t tolerate someone who behaves in a rude or entitled manner towards those in the service industry. Be respectful.
5. You must be patient.
6. You must have your own car with a valid driver’s license. I’m not a chauffeur and I like it when my date can pick me up because that means I can go nuts and drink and not have to worry about getting home or getting arrested.
7. You must be able to take care of yourself. I have four children, 3 with special needs, and I’m full up on care-taking. I can’t take on another person to take care of.
8. You must have a job. I don’t care where you work. I don’t care how much money you make, as long as it’s enough to support yourself. I can financially support myself and my children (and am not looking for someone else to do that for me), but I cannot be your financial support at all.
9. You can’t be needy. There’s a fine line between wanting to talk to me a lot and needing to talk to me a ton… If you can out-text my x, that’s a red flag. (But be sure that you are meeting the #2 requirement). If I don’t return your text immediately, don’t think I’m ignoring you for no reason. I usually text people right back, but if I don’t it’s because I’m busy. Don’t offer to throw yourself over a cliff if I don’t text back within five minutes.
10. You need to understand that I will likely talk about my children occasionally. I will try not to overwhelm the conversation with talk about my children. But, if you ask me how my day was, and I answer with something about the kids… I’m just telling you what I did that day or how my day was and it will almost always involve something with a child or four.
11. If you are privileged enough to meet my children, and my son bests you in a Physics conversation, just admit it and move on. Don’t pretend like it’s the Matrix and your “misconception” could be right in an alternate reality… I admire someone who can admit they don’t know something. My son bests me in just about every science conversation we have, and I own up to it.
12. My expectations out of any relationship are a partnership. One that involves give and take in equal ways. I won’t do one-sided relationships.
13. Speaking of give and take: I pretty much participate in no shave November year round. If you can’t take that, then we aren’t meant for each other. (If you need it spelled out: that means I don’t and won’t shave my vagina for you).
14. If you agree with my mom on anything having to do with my children, we’re over.
15. You are free to have your own opinions, but I also expect that you will respect mine, and at least try to be on my side when it matters.
16. I swear like a sailor. If you have sensitive ears for that type of shit, we aren’t going to make it. I enjoy fantastic and colorful combinations of most swear words to properly express myself.
17. If you feel the need to send a dick pic or start frisky talk anywhere before 50+ messages, you can’t be serious. I will likely send you a dick pic or two back with a thorough and detailed comparison (because after minimal time spent on a dating site, I have quite the collection). Dicks are ugly. You won’t see my vagina up close unless it’s personal.
18. You cannot be more of an alcoholic than I am. I would prefer that you were mostly sober during the week and a social drinker on the weekends. I don’t need encouragement in the drinking game.
19. You may not be addicted to drugs (that includes pain pill addictions). I don’t mind if you smoke weed, just don’t bring it to my house while it is illegal and my kids are around.
20. If you decide you no longer want to see me, please do me the courtesy of just telling me. I appreciate honesty and transparency. I don’t do drama, and I don’t play games, and I expect the same in return.