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Best kid quotes of the week

“Does France and Paris serve Ramen Noodles?” – Beatrice

“I wasn’t saying the bad kind of ass. I was saying the donkey kind of ass.” – Dustin

“I’ve done bankruptcy!” – Dustin

“Dustin, do you know what bankruptcy means?” – Dylan^

“Yeah.” – Dustin^

“You can’t do bankruptcy.” – Dylan^

“What does bankruptcy mean?” – Dustin^

“It means when you have no money.” – Dylan^

“I’ve done robbery.” – Dustin^

There were a lot more funny things they said this week, but some weeks I have a hard time keeping up with them and writing them all down! LOL

Best Kid Quotes of the Week

“I like food better than I like boys.” – Beatrice

“If one of us were green, you would have named us Shrek right?” – Dustin

“If you had two penises you would have four balls.” – Dustin

“What if you only had half a ball?” – Duncan

“What were the elves thinking?” – Beatrice talking about Dustin’s hamster that repeats everything 😂

“A whole bottle of wine your ass off!” – Beatrice

“Aftermarket white? What kind of store name is that?” – Beatrice as I was looking up iPad 2 screen replacement cost…

Constant triggers…

Today an x professor of mine posted this article.

(If you don’t want to click the link – it’s about a professor who put Brock Turner’s face in a textbook definition of rape).

I think this is great in theory. And I stand by everything the article says. But, I don’t want to see his face. At all. Ever again.

Every time I see his face I feel physically ill.

Every time I see his face, I am reminded of that summer when he was on trial and his face and the story was all over the media.

Reminded of my beloved witch friend starting the Iowa witch’s curse on him that got national attention and witches from everywhere joining in on the cursing. I loved the hell out of her for doing this. I hope this boy really is cursed.

Reminded of how my husband, who had just started raping me while I was passed out drunk, expressed disgust at this boy. But was doing the same damn thing just about every night. The only difference was that we were married, and he somehow felt that what he was doing was not wrong. It was justified. It was his right. If I told anyone, how would I prove such a thing? We were married.

At the time, I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it. I did learn that there are laws against it. And it did take me a while to tell anyone what was going on. It was humiliating at best. It’s not something very pleasant to admit.

But every time I see his face, I am reminded of everything.

Best kid quotes of the week

“Beatrice has blown in my face a MILLION times! That’s hyperbole.” – Dylan

“Hey mom, did you know that Frankenstein wasn’t the name of the monster?!” – Dylan

“Hey mom, did you know that Ratatouille wasn’t the name of the rat? It was Ratatouille’s monster.” – Duncan

“We played Battleship in gym class. Spelled b-a-t-t-l-e-s-h-i-P not battleshit.” – Beatrice

“You need to get your Christmas balls in bed.” – Beatrice to Dustin

“Clara said ‘This bottle of wine is MINE!’” – Beatrice

Best kid quotes of the week

“Sometimes when you walk out of your bedroom, your thought stays there.” – Dylan

“Mom, do you know anyone who is immortal?” – Dustin

“I think Sally is immortal.” – Dustin

“Mom, can you play some music? But not boring music. You know what happens when you play Bob Marley…I flip shit.” – Beatrice. Accurate.

“Humpster. That’s how you say hamster in British.” – Dustin

“Why do I feel so light in these underwear? They aren’t limiting!” – Dylan

Best kid quotes of the week

“If you give Dylan pizza rolls, he’ll want a cookie…” – Dylan

“There always has to be a Satan in the house. And Dustin is ours.” – Dylan

“the only thing you should cut testicles off of is a dog.” – Dylan

“Mom! Dylan’s trying to touch me with his penis towel!” – Dustin

“I’m capable of saving the world by farts!” – Beatrice

“I’m capable of saving the world by destroying the world!” – Dustin

“I’ll fart away clouds.” – Beatrice

“Teachers aren’t all that bad. Unless they have had problems.” – Beatrice

The Unfortunate List I had to Make Due to Dating Ridiculous Wastes of Time

The “Yes, I know I’m ridiculous” list of requirements for dating me

This is my short list.

  1. You need to understand that my children will always come first. I will never choose a partner over my children.
  2. You must text me at least once during every 24 hour period while we are dating unless there is a really good reason. Otherwise I will think you hate me and no longer want to date me. If you genuinely like me, you will think about me at least once in any given 24 hour period and want to talk to me, or at least check in with me.
  3. You either have to have some understanding of autism, or want to learn about it. If you ask, and I start explaining, I expect you to actually want to listen and try to understand. Some things aren’t short stories or short explanations. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a one sentence summary that even begins to explain autism.
  4. You must be a decent human being. Always. It’s very simple: don’t be a dick. You must have it in you to be polite to bartenders, waitstaff, and cashiers. I won’t tolerate someone who behaves in a rude or entitled manner towards those in the service industry. Be respectful.
  5. You must be patient.
  6. You must have your own car with a valid driver’s license. I’m not a chauffeur and I like it when my date can pick me up because that means I can go nuts and drink and not have to worry about getting home or getting arrested.
  7. You must be able to take care of yourself. I have four children, 3 with special needs, and I’m full up on care-taking. I can’t take on another person to take care of.
  8. You must have a job. I don’t care where you work. I don’t care how much money you make, as long as it’s enough to support yourself. I can financially support myself and my children (and am not looking for someone else to do that for me), but I cannot be your financial support at all.
  9. You can’t be needy. There’s a fine line between wanting to talk to me a lot and needing to talk to me a ton… If you can out-text my x, that’s a red flag. (But be sure that you are meeting the #2 requirement). If I don’t return your text immediately, don’t think I’m ignoring you for no reason. I usually text people right back, but if I don’t it’s because I’m busy. Don’t offer to throw yourself over a cliff if I don’t text back within five minutes.
  10. You need to understand that I will likely talk about my children occasionally. I will try not to overwhelm the conversation with talk about my children. But, if you ask me how my day was, and I answer with something about the kids… I’m just telling you what I did that day or how my day was and it will almost always involve something with a child or four.
  11. If you are privileged enough to meet my children, and my son bests you in a Physics conversation, just admit it and move on. Don’t pretend like it’s the Matrix and your “misconception” could be right in an alternate reality… I admire someone who can admit they don’t know something. My son bests me in just about every science conversation we have, and I own up to it.
  12. My expectations out of any relationship are a partnership. One that involves give and take in equal ways. I won’t do one-sided relationships.
  13. Speaking of give and take: I pretty much participate in no shave November year round. If you can’t take that, then we aren’t meant for each other. (If you need it spelled out: that means I don’t and won’t shave my vagina for you).
  14. If you agree with my mom on anything having to do with my children, we’re over.
  15. You are free to have your own opinions, but I also expect that you will respect mine, and at least try to be on my side when it matters.
  16. I swear like a sailor. If you have sensitive ears for that type of shit, we aren’t going to make it. I enjoy fantastic and colorful combinations of most swear words to properly express myself.
  17. If you feel the need to send a dick pic or start frisky talk anywhere before 50+ messages, you can’t be serious. I will likely send you a dick pic or two back with a thorough and detailed comparison (because after minimal time spent on a dating site, I have quite the collection). Dicks are ugly. You won’t see my vagina up close unless it’s personal.
  18. You cannot be more of an alcoholic than I am. I would prefer that you were mostly sober during the week and a social drinker on the weekends. I don’t need encouragement in the drinking game.
  19. You may not be addicted to drugs (that includes pain pill addictions). I don’t mind if you smoke weed, just don’t bring it to my house while it is illegal and my kids are around.
  20. If you decide you no longer want to see me, please do me the courtesy of just telling me. I appreciate honesty and transparency. I don’t do drama, and I don’t play games, and I expect the same in return.

Best kid quotes of the week

“Can anyone learn the laws of physics?” – Dustin (“Yes” – me) “Can anyone defy the laws of physics?” – Dustin (“Not sure about that one.” – me)

“Everyone has a special gift. Your special gift is being annoying.” – Beatrice (talking to Dustin).

“Dustin! Don’t run on the ice!” – me

“Why?” – Dustin^

“You’ll break your ass!” – Beatrice^

“Get a taste of my foot fury!” – Beatrice (to Dustin while wrestling)

“Pugs are a species of their own. They are not dogs!” – Dustin

“I used to read all the time!” – me “I used to throw shoes all the time!” – Beatrice

Best kid quotes of the week

“Melted diarrhea is diarrhea. Melted poop is diarrhea. They both end in diarrhea.” – Dustin   

“Mom, Dustin used his toothbrush on his nipples and armpits.” – Beatrice

“I guess it must not be illegal for a dog to eat a human. Because they don’t know any better.” – Duncan

“If I get a boyfriend, I will keep him at my house and make him my slave.” – Beatrice

“Feel the wrath of my farting whoopie cushion!” – Beatrice

“Hey mom, you know the stuff that’s made with chex mix? What’s it called?” – Duncan

“They’re your pinkie toes!” – Dylan

“They’re your penis toes!” – Dustin^